


Fear My Dreams

by Yeoyou



Category: Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Iron Man 1 AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-10
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-05-06 01:33:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5397890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yeoyou/pseuds/Yeoyou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU for the first movie. When Tony returns from Afghanistan, he suffers from severe nightmares and there is only one who can keep them from him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fear My Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Another older piece, which I thought I'd post here, now that I've got an account ;D   
> I am not a native speaker, any constructive criticism is welcome.

Ever since Tony's return from Afghanistan, he has been careful not to fall asleep while anyone is around.   
Tony has never been fond of sleeping. It always seemed like a waste of precious time. Time he could spend much more useful or enjoyable, either working on new technologies or having fun with some beautiful women.   
Thus he has never bothered much with sleeping.   
After escaping from the desert, he is downright afraid of sleep and the dreams which lurk at him in the darkness. He repeatedly wakes up kicking the cover away which he believed to be one of Raza's men, strangling him. He screams and shivers with cold sweat covering his body and it takes him a while to remember that he is no longer a prisoner in a dark cave, is no longer waking up wondering whether this new day would finally be his last.   
It always takes him a while to remember that he is back home.   
Whatever that means.  
He doesn't want anyone to witness just how much the great Tony Stark has been broken in the sand and heat of Afghanistan. So he takes great care to stay awake for as long as he possibly can and only visits his bedroom every odd night when his body screams with fatigue and he fears he might just pass out, no matter whether he is alone or not.  
It has worked for a while but Tony should have known it wouldn't last. 

He is at home, in the workshop, trying to lose his mind in work, and has lost count of all the cups of coffee he has had.   
Caffeine doesn't seem to work very well on him any more.   
He is pondering over a complicated calculation when his head drops down for a second. His heart races as he realises that he has nearly fallen asleep and he wonders if he should go upstairs and take a short, no-doubt dream-infested rest. But Pepper is working in the living-room. Maybe he should just send her away. But even while thinking about it, his head drops down again, his eye-lids close and everything turns black.

Tony wakes up disoriented. He hears someone screaming and it takes him some seconds to recognize the voice as his own.   
There is another voice too, that he can't place at first. There are hands holding him and eyes looking at him and at last his mind puzzles the pieces together and gives them a name: _Pepper._  
“Tony! Please, it's all right, Tony!”   
She tries to calm him down but he hears the note of panic in the slight way her voice trembles. He wants to break away from her and tell her it is nothing but his whole body shivers uncontrollably and his fingers are clutching her, needing to hold on to someone.   
He feels something wet trickle down his face and blinks, being suddenly very aware of the tears in his eyes. He shuts them close and tries to calm down his breathing, his heart rate, still clinging to Pepper's warm, soft body.   
He hears her murmuring words into his hair as she draws him closer into her arms but he can't understand them, he just buries his head in her shoulder and tries to remember that he is home and safe and that Raza and his men will never again come and mock him, torture him, break him.  
He looses track of time as they sit there on the ground of his workshop, Pepper holding him, rocking him gently while whispering comforting words to him and him just clinging to her and fighting the lingering fear.   
After a while, Pepper gets up, dragging him with her from the floor. He finally opens his eyes and looks into her face, his lips parting to explain but there is no way in which he could wrap any of the horrors into words.   
But she doesn't need him to. She hushes him and just walks with him to his bedroom, Tony following her like a child.   
He feels acutely embarrassed but it hardly gets through the haze of fear that still surrounds his heart and senses. Pepper makes him lie down and draws the blanket over his body, holding his hand, smiling at Tony and still whispering calming words.   
He dreads falling asleep again but her presence is reassuring.   
He grips her hand while closing his eyes again and drifting back to the land of sleep.   
He takes the warmth of her touch with him and it keeps the dreams at bay.   
When he wakes up, feeling rested and refreshed for maybe the first time since he came back, Pepper is gone. When they meet the next day, she doesn't say a word, doesn't mention anything of what has happened and acts completely normal. And he feels more grateful than he has every felt in all his life.   
Grateful just for her holding his hand while he slept.

It takes him nearly a week before he finally manages to thank her and at first, she doesn't even understand what he is referring to. And when she does, she hesitates before looking him in the face. “  
Do you have these dreams every time you sleep?” she asks tentatively.   
He senses that she is afraid to intrude on him and yet has obviously been thinking about it for the last couple of days. For a second, he is tempted to just run away, say nothing, or simply lie to her.   
But he doesn't think he could keep the mask on much longer anyway. And after all, she has seen him, broken and scared, she probably wouldn't believe him if he said they don't come every night he tries to sleep.   
He doesn't know how long he just stared at her before he finally nods, not saying anything. He watches as Pepper's eyes widen, how she bites down on her lip, not knowing how to respond.   
She finally settles for “I'm sorry.” Whispers the words and avoids looking him in the face. Obviously, he isn't the only one not comfortable with the idea of Tony Stark scared of nightmares. It doesn't fit the image he has so carefully built up. Although Pepper is probably the only person next to Rhodey who might have at least an idea of what lies behind that image. Now, she has practically witnessed the walls crumbling away which he has so painfully tried to hold up.   
She swallows and looks down on the floor. He watches her for a moment longer and then just turns away and leaves, burying himself once more in his workshop, trying to cheat on sleep with more doses of coffee.

But his body still demands that he would at least try to rest and forces him into bed a couple of days later. Tony has made it a habit to work as long as he can before he's nearing losing consciousness so that he will be too tired and exhausted to think much about the dreams when he finally does concede to nature and goes to bed. That his brain will be so over-worked it wouldn't bother with fear and dread.   
Sometimes it works, often enough it doesn't and then, even though he feels nearly dead with exhaustion, he still can't close his eyes when he lies in bed. Tony has never been one to give up easily and he fights sleep till the last moment. But the moment always comes.  
It also comes on that day. Only the dreams don't.   
The dreams he has never been able to keep away whenever he closed his eyes after his return from the desert. The dreams he has always known to be waiting for him in the dark. They have always been there to greet him with dark claws.   
But not this time.   
He wakes up to the feeling of warmth. His brain still sluggish, trying to grasp the situation, trying to understand what has happened. He inhales the cool morning air and smells a familiar scent in it. He still feels sleepy but in a good way and when he slowly turns his head, he looks right into a familiar face. He feels a small hand lying on his chest. Hears steady breathing and realises that it hasn't been him who has held the dreams at a distance.   
It has been Pepper.   
Pepper, who lies curled up next to him, sleeping peacefully.  
Tony tries to remember if she had already been there when he went to bed. If there is anything missing from his memory that would explain her presence. But there is nothing. As far as he can remember, he had been too exhausted to concentrate and had reluctantly gone to bed. Alone.   
But there she obviously is, by his side, her face so close to his, her whole _body_ close to his and her hand on his chest.   
He slowly reaches out with one hand and carefully pushes a strand of strawberry blonde hair out of her face. He is fascinated by how peaceful she looks. Tony has very rarely seen his assistant sleep and never, never before seen her so close up.   
And when the reason of why she is probably here finally dawns on him, he feels incredibly thankful.   
He wonders what he should do, if he should just get up and leave or wait for her to wake up. He certainly doesn't want to give up her warmth just yet, the feeling of her body next to his, but he is strangely afraid of what will happen when she wakes up, him looking at her being the first thing she sees. What would it do to their relationship?   
Tony likes their relationship. Their sort of professional friendship. He doesn't want to risk that.  
In the end, he thinks that the best course of action might just be to pretend to be still asleep when she wakes up and let her decide what to do.   
It turns out that Pepper decides to leave.   
Apparently, she doesn't really want him to know that she has been there and so Tony doesn't mention it when he sees her later that morning.

The next time he goes to bed, his feelings are a clogging mixture of fear and hope. That one night of undisturbed sleep has been a present of unmeasurable value but now he is even more afraid of the dreams returning to haunt him, than before. On the other hand, he secretly hopes that Pepper might come back.   
As indeed she does.   
He falls asleep with fear in his heart and wakes up to Pepper's warmth next to him. Again, she is still sleeping and again, he pretends not to know she has been there when she leaves.

He hasn't had a single nightmare in two weeks. Sometimes, she is already gone when he wakes up but he can still smell her sweet scent on the pillow when he opens his eyes and he smiles, knowing she has been there. Sometimes, he is the first to awake and then cuddles closer to her while closing his eyes and listening to her breathing until the moment she silently steals out of his bedroom. It always takes him a great effort to let her go but he does.   
Tony feels rested and more alive than he has, ever since he came back. He is less irritated, makes better progress in his work and doesn't dread going to bed any more. But still, he and Pepper haven't spoken about any of it and just pretend that nothing unusual is going on. He isn't sure if she really believes that he doesn't know or whether she simply doesn't want to talk about it and change anything in their relationship for real.

They carry on until one night he wakes up screaming her name, trembling and covered in cold sweat. The dreams came back and they were more terrible than ever. They didn't include just the hell of Afghanistan but Pepper as well. Pepper, who wasn't there, whom he didn't know where to find.   
His voice sounds hoarse and not at all like himself as he listens to the echo of her name shivering in the darkness.   
The door opens and there she is, his Pepper, wide-eyed, with opened lips. She makes two steps towards him but Tony is faster, he scrambles out of his bed and crushes her in his arms, presses her to his body and whispers her name into her hair.   
“You weren't there...I didn't know where you were...” he repeats over and over while she holds him and strokes his back, his hair and he thinks he hears her sobbing.   
“Tony, I am so sorry.”   
Her voice is low and broken. He inhales her familiar scent and tries to calm himself, to fight down the panic he felt in his dream, when he woke up and she wasn't there.   
After a while he finally manages to ask her. “Where were you?”   
She leans back in his arms a little to be able to look into his face, gently running a single finger over his cheek. “What do you mean?”   
He sees that her eyes are still wide open but he doesn't know whether that is because of his behaviour or because she fears that the secret is out.   
“Why weren't you _here_?” His voice is urgent, demanding an answer and she understands that she can pretend no longer.   
Pepper bites down on her lips and looks away from him for a moment before her gaze returns once more to his face.   
“I thought, maybe you didn't need me any more...” she whispers.   
So it was a test? To see if the dreams wouldn't come any longer, even if he slept alone? To see if she could stay away?  
But Tony doesn't want Pepper to leave. And not just because she guards over his sleep.   
“I will _always_ need you... _always_!” he murmurs and presses his lips onto hers in a desperate, passionate kiss.   
And he knows it's true. He _will_ always need her. To be there. He doesn't think he could exist without her any more, although he is aware of how selfish that is. But he needs her!   
Yet Pepper's hands push him away and the fear is back. He feels confused and afraid and lost until he realises that she hasn't broken out of his embrace, just brought enough distance between them to be able to look into his face. He sees her uncertainty, her fear. She seems just as afraid as Tony himself. But for other reasons.   
She is not afraid of losing him but of being with him. He can't blame her.   
Tony has never been the stable relationship kind of guy. But then, he has never been with Pepper.   
“Tony, I-”   
“I _love you!_ ” He interrupts her and silences any further protest with another kiss, pulling her body close to his again.   
And this time, she responds the way he has hoped, wrapping her arms around him and kissing back with as much passion as him.   
He fumbles with her clothes, he hasn't paid any attention to what she is wearing and doesn't know how to get her out of those layers of fabric separating him from her sweet, soft skin. But Pepper helps him and pushes down his own shorts.

Their lovemaking is passionate but mingled with the taste of desperation. Tony has waited too long for this to happen and he is overwhelmed by it. He hardly looks into her face and realises yet again how selfish he is but he just has to bury himself in her, feel her warmth surround him, inhale her with every breath he takes, feel her skin under his fingers and hear her moaning his name.   
When he comes, he holds tightly onto her, afraid of losing himself but she's there and keeps him together.   
Exhausted, he lies next to her, stroking her face and hair while finally looking into her eyes, seeing them smile at him.   
“I love you, Pepper. I love you” he repeats over and over again in a nearly frantic whisper. He needs her to understand that.   
He only stops when she puts her finger to his lips. She brings her face closer to his, smiling.   
“I love you, too, Tony.”   
He closes his eyes for a moment, savouring each word and slowly starts to feel less desperate, ready to relax.   
When he opens his eyes again, she is still smiling at him and leans in to kiss him long and tender. A way nobody has ever kissed him before. A kiss that only speaks of love. And he wants more of those.   
When they finally break, she says gently “You should rest now, Tony”.   
And for a second, there is the old fear his brain has come to associate with sleep. “Will you-” he starts to ask but she already knows what he wants to know. “Yes, I will be here when you wake up.” She kisses him briefly.  
Tony smiles and as he draws her near, resting his head next to hers, he feels sure for the first time, that he might actually have a chance of escaping Afghanistan after all.


End file.
